Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
