Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
