Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My liver is preforming stress tests.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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