Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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