Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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