mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
