Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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