I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
