do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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