Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
