I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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