at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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