I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
