so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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