she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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