I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
