I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
