The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
