in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
