Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
