You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
