things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize