don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
