Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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