you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
