I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
