Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
