I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just had sex bonerless
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
