my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
