Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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