last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
