the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize