So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
