Im at strip club and am horny
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
