just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
