I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
