god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
