look no pants
Apparently you make a good broom.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
