she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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