nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
