the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
