So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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