you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
