If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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