He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
