Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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