tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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