i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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