its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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