I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
