He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
