omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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