The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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