You just made me feel so damn special
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
