you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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