i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
