if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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