so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
