I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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