So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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