don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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