Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
