god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
