I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
